7 posts from October 2006

I have thought about smoking a lot today, and wanted a cigarette.

Mainly this is because I am addicted to cigarettes, but it is also because my father in law has been driving me nuts today going on about the Muslim threat. Be afraid! Be afraid! He would be happier if we all lived in dread like he does. Too much Fox fucking News will make anyone feel the fear, but I don't really get all the proselytizing.

Right now I'm overhearing Erik and his father argue about politics and hoping it doesn't get ugly.

Partly I'd like to smoke just to piss Helmut off.

I think it's good for Helmut to have a political discussion with someone smart like Erik, but I'm not sure how good it is for Erik. I think it will make him feel sad for a week.

Another day without pictures. Maybe tomorrow.

I've been remiss in keeping this thing updated. I skipped days 5 and 6 completely.

Working backwards. Yesterday, Sunday, day 7. We had a fairly busy day. Sunday walk in the woods, lunch out with friends, dinner with the in-laws, who are staying with us. Daylight savings time. I'm still feeling the fatigue I've been experiencing lately. I just remembered that I had a dream last night about asking a doctor for something for my fatigue. Maybe I should take some vitamins.

Saturday, day 6, was Halloween party night. We dressed up and went out to a far-away party waaaay out at a golf clubhouse in the suburbs. It was an eartly party and it ended at 10 pm. I won a prize for my costume. This was a kind of fund-raising party with acquaintances a little older than we are. My costume this year was a streaker. I made myself an enormous penis and sewed it to some flesh-colored undies, I wore a flesh-colored top and a raincoat.

Flashing people is a high in itself.

After this party we went to Hall and Oats Aween at TT's. That was really fun. We got there at around 11. Lots of people were dressed up. My costume was highly appreciated. I flashed a lot of people on the steet in Central. Had a great time. It was interesting being in a bar and not drinking. I had a coke at one point, which was mostly ice. The thing I missed was the social aspect of standing outside smoking with the cool kids. I always have fun conversations and socialize a lot out in the smokers' exile. Without the smoking, it's just not the same. I have to make an effort to find a new ice breaker.

A friend we met up with at TT's was disappointed that we didn't want to party all night until dawn. Erik was the one who was reluctant to party. He seemed fairly uncomfortable most of the latter part of the evening. His Klaus Nomi costume was very uncomfortable, yet he didn't want to take it off. He was also doing a very good job of staying in character as he had concieved it. But I bet Klaus would have partied all night and them some, actually.

Day 5, Friday, Erik's parents arrived for a visit. They're staying for about a week. We usually drink a lot around them. I've noticed that we are less sociable in the evenings and everyone is going to bed a bit earlier than during past visits. Helmut is drinking gin with lemon these days. I love gin. The smell is nice.

Generally speaking, I don't really think about drinking all that often. Maybe it's because I'm busy busy, or because I have just decided that I'm not going to drink or smoke for 30 days and so I've turned off the beer and cigarette part of my brain temporarily. It's sort of like I've elimintated the possibility, or made absinence easier by putting a time cap on it.

I know in the past when I've tried to quit smoking, thinking I was going to try to quit smoking forever, it really irks the addicted part of my brain ("Quit smoking forever?! Are you nuts?") and I become obsessed with not smoking, which is actually exactly the same thing as being obsessed with smoking.

I haven't been doing a good job at taking daily pictures, but I do have two pictures from Halloween.

I took a 20-minute nap yesterday evening at around 5. I was zonked. I dreamed that Erik and I were over at Brian and Aaron's house and they offered me a beer and I took it and drank it and when I was finished, I remembered that I was doing this experiment and I felt annoyed that I had just forgotten. I was also annoyed at Erik for not reminding me. I felt like he was cheating. He saw that I had forgotten and didn't say anything until it was too late.

This dream also reminded me of dreams I used to have right after Erik and I got married where I would accidentally marry some other man and only realize when it was too late that I had really wanted to marry Erik. Maybe yesterday's dream is a dream about commitment in some way.

We went to the pool and I swam liesurely for about 20 minutes. On the way home, I thought about having a beer, because that is normally what I would do after getting Vigo to bed. I had that same sort of pang of disappointment. I had herbal tea instead, and a nice hot bath with a book. I had wanted to go to bed early, but I ended up doing some work and making some cookies for the school Choice council meeting tonight. I'm on a little panel to brainstorm ideas on promoting multilingualism in the program. Hope I get some ideas before tonight.

I wonder it its fair taking these pictures in the evening, after work, with a flash. They're pretty harsh.

4:45 pm craved a cigarette. Thought about the cigarette with pleasure, then remembered that I am not smoking. My hear sank. I could literally feel a pang in my heart, of deep disappointment. I'm making a cup of herbal tea instead.

I feel incredibly sleepy and tired. I'm still a bit jet lagged from Portland. I don't want to have caffeinated tea now because I really want to get back on a normal sleeping schedule. I hate dragging myself out of bed in the morning.

We'll go to the pool tonight and I'll swim some laps.

Yesterday morning Erik and I decided to do an experiment in sobriety. It was my idea and I was hung over, but I think it will be very interesting and I think it is doable, even with Halloween and a visit from Erik's parents coming up in the next couple weeks.

My main goal in this is to make it easier for me to quit smoking. I am also hoping that more beautiful skin will will be a fringe benefit of healthy living. Also, I am just interested in doing this as an experiment, and I have been looking for a project to try out this Vox blog.

I currently drink beer or wine almost every day. One to three glasses. On weekends I drink more, at parties. I only smoke when I drink. I often only smoke on the weekends. But I can easily smoke a whole pack of cigarettes in a single weekend. Gross. I quit smoking when I was pregnant with my son, for over a year. I quit for 2-4 weeks at a time frequently. I am addicted to cigarettes. I've tried gum, but I hate the idea of it. It seems like trading being addicted to something I love (smoking) to something I hate (gnarly, bad-tasting nicotine gum). I think the nicotine gum thing is a bit of a racket.